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Top 10 Worst Ideas of All Time For Men, Women and Mankind

14 Feb

When it comes to reviews, there is only so much people agree on, but it seems better to point out uniquely bad things rather than standard everyday ones like, well, Nickleback and what not.

So without much further ado, the top ten worst ideas (and/or products) for men.

Beginning with number Ten:

The man-purse.

Do I really have to explain this?

Number Nine:

The mullet.

This could be unisex, but categorically I think we’re fine.

Number Eight:

Electronic cigarettes.

I am sorry fella, there are few things people want to see in your mouth less than that.

Number Seven:

Pants that intentionally expose your boxers, briefs or bare posterior.

I am not your proctologist, gentleman.  Pull them up.

Number Six:

Long T-Shirts.

You look like Swee’pea.

Number Six:

Puffy Jackets.

My hero is Bruce Lee.  Yours is apparently the Michelin man.

Number Four:

Vespas.

Tell girls what you will.  Deep down you know that is not a motorcycle.

Number Three:

Shampoo/Conditioner/Body Wash/Face Scrub

Can you really be this lazy?  Do you really think that something that is supposed to remove dead skin cells from your body could effectively clean your face and hair?

Number Two:

Refrigerators

Men will open one of these, gaze blankly inside.  Close it, reopen it and expect it to be reloaded.

Number One:

The Spermatic Truss.

Still applauded by devout religious zealots, this fine device would inhibit erections by containing them in an unerect-shaped copper tube and later replaced the tube with a metal spike lined ring.  Ever wonder why your grandparents stuck to stick-ball and scrabble as vices?

Women:

Number Ten:

Giant Purses.

A poor attempt to fuse style with ergonomic appeal, these leather shopping bags turn normal people into walking tackle practise-dummies.

Number Nine:

Grannie Panties.

Parachute pants were bad, but these took the fight to another battlefield.

Number Eight:

“Modest Swimwear.”

That’s right, there are bathing suits with long sleeves and attached skirts so that women will not be stared at while they are at the beach.  Each one comes with a giant sign to be worn on the head that says, “DO NOT LOOK OVER HERE!”  Just to be safe.

Seven:

Fake Breasts.

If men wanted squishy, round lumps of synthetic material that badly they could easily put silly putty inside balloons or purchase some, “Sno Balls.”

Six:

Fake Nails.

You may find it fun to click these against desks while clicking your gum in sync, but for everyone else in the room it is not a good time.

Five:

Fake Hair.

Alopecia and chemo aside, do you really have an excuse?

Four:

Chastity Belts:

Urinary tract infections, contact dermatitis and other “chaste,” conditions to follow.

Three:

Rap Music Videos.

Is your hip-to-breast ratio really the extent of your depth?

Two:

“I don’t know.”

This is not an answer and the more you say it the more you do not believe your husband, male friend or boyfriend when he really does not know.

One:

Leggings.

Unless you are the woman on the package, you should probably not be wearing these.

Finally, Universally bad, it is the list you have all been waiting for:

The Top 10 Worst Ideas of All Time For All Mankind

Number Ten:

Tofu:

High in phytoestrogenic chemicals and proven to cause breast cancer, this bland, hippie fodder, will bore you and increase your chance of a troubled existence simultaneously.

Number Nine:

Trans Fatty Acids:

Not a single credible source disagrees that these have no nutritional benefit and is positively linked to cancer.  Moreover, they synonymous with, “[Partially] Hydrogenated Oils.”  Present in many popular snacks.

Number Eight:

Cheap Shampoo (and other various products):

Parabens contained in these are known to increase estrogen and risk of breast cancer as well as causing contact dermatitis and rosacia in people with sensitive skin.

Number Seven:

Stupid people:

We all deal with them on a daily basis and we all hate them.  Even those of us who are them.  There is a reason I chose to review “Ideas,” over “Products.”

Number Six:

STDs:

From green oozing goo to cervical cancer, these things are just scary.

Number Five:

New Age:

We get it, you think you are witches and you like organic stuff, hemp and “magic talismans,” now make yourselves vanish.

Number Four:

“Four Loko,” and other energy drink-alcohol mixtures:

You are putting your life at risk so that you can end up vomiting in an alley at the end of the night, well done.

Number Three:

Glee:

You either hate yourself for loving it or hate it altogether, either way you hate the bloody thing.

Number two:

Hawaiian Shirt/Bermuda Shorts/Sneakers/Backpacks/Cameras/Maps all carried and worn at once:

Tourists needn’t have uniforms.

Number One:

The Fanny Pack.

Possibly the one article of clothing that absolutely no one has an excuse for.

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